Ned Bigby is the main protagonist of the series, who speaks to the viewer and created his school survival guide after being embarrassed when accidentally walking into the girls' bathroom in kindergarten. He often gets into trouble with his friends Moze and Cookie. Ned is a smart boy, but he's also very lazy. Most of the time he scores below average in school and tries to find the easiest way to solve any personal problem. Because of this, his plans sometimes backfire, but it teaches him lessons that he includes in the guide. Since he was eight years old, his dream girl has been Suzie Crabgrass, but in the series finale Moze and Ned end up dating. He usually turns to Gordy, the school's janitor, for advice. He appears in all 54 episodes of the series.
Jennifer "Moze" Mosely
Jennifer Ann Mosely is Ned and Cookie's best friend. Jennifer goes by the name of "Moze", because Ned called her that in first grade to avoid confusion with the other three "Jennifers" in the class. In the first season, a recurring theme is her trying to break away from Ned and Cookie in the hope of finding a girl to be friends with. Eventually, she became best friends with her former enemy, Suzie Crabgrass. She is a volleyball player and has set the most school records, including one for the most school records. She is very talented in Woodshop class. She is also usually the one Ned and Cookie come to for favors. She is a very good student, who most teachers trust, until the episode "The New Kid and Substitute Teachers" when she becomes a bad student around substitute teachers. However, in the next episode, it is forgotten about and she goes back to being a good student. In "Double Dating and The Last of Day of School", she kisses Ned at a dance and it is hinted at that they are in love. In the final episode, they begin dating. She appears in all 54 episodes of the series.
Simon "Cookie" Nelson-Cook
Simon Nelson-Cook is Ned's other best friend who goes by the name of Cookie. He is a cyber nerd and he often uses his knowledge of technology to help himself and his friends. He has a motherboard in his locker, his pants double as a printer, and his glasses are a computer display. He has been known to dress up as a girl named Simone on different occasions to get information from people or to get into parties. This disguise is able to fool everyone except for Ned and Moze, because they knew about it beforehand. Simon's catchphrase is "see ya". Billy Loomer, the school bully, even has a major crush on Simone because Cookie knew about mechanics and sports which impressed Billy immensely. Even though he did not like her in the first and second season, he falls for Lisa Zemo after she has a complete makeover in season 3. In some episodes in the third season, he tries to get her to go out for pizza with him, which never works because she has lots of guys to date until the last episode, when he finally gets to take Lisa out on a date. His friends are Ned and Moze. He appears in all 54 episodes of the series.
Gordy
Gordy is an incompetent janitor obsessed with capturing a weasel that lives in the school, and frequently helps Ned, Cookie, and Moze with activities. If there is a big mess to clean up, Gordy always gives the excuse "Eh, I'll let the night guy get it." At one point he hires an assistant named Jackie who nearly usurps his position as janitor. He was once a dance instructor, and was voted "most likely to amount to nothing" when he attended Polk. He was the class clown, and went to law school 3 times. He is a recurring character in season 1, but becomes a main character in season 2. He appears in 44 episodes.
Mr. Monroe
Mr. Monroe is the Life Science teacher, as well as being in charge of the Sewing Club. He is also the extremely skilled boys' basketball coach. Mr. Monroe appears mostly in the first season, followed by an absence for a large portion of seasons 2 and 3. He returns in "Guide to: School Newspaper," saying that he was "living with the penguins" for a year. He has said that he was once a bully.
Recurring characters
Suzie Crabgrass
Suzie Crabgrass is Ned's crush and Moze's rival at every sport, but she becomes her best friend. Having ended up dating Billy Loomer for a short time at the beginning of Season 2, in Season 3 she has a crush on Ned, and they start dating in the episode "Stress and Popularity". She leaves in season 3 but comes back in "Tests & When You Like Someone That Is Going Out With Someone Else". She was Ned's dream girl since she was eight. In the series finale, she hopes at first that she and Ned will be together, but then decides to date Loomer after seeing his change and because Ned started to like Moze instead.
Billy Loomer
Billy Loomer, usually referred to simply as Loomer, is the leader of a trio of bullies at Polk Middle School and the show's main antagonist. He and his bully friends enjoy picking on kids, especially Ned, Cookie, and Coconut-Head, and he hates the Huge Crew. For much of the series, he is dating Suzie Crabgrass, but he wants to break up with her so he can date Moze. He also has a crush on Cookie's alter ego Simone and is impressed by her knowledge of sports and mechanics. At the end of the series, he changes from a violent bully into a kind, respectable, well-mannered young man. His name is a parody of Billy Loomis, one of the Ghostface Killers from the film Scream.
Jerry Crony
Jerry Crony is one of Loomer's friends, who aids him in bullying, with a penchant for fashion design that he tries to deny whenever he is seen sewing. He is usually very nice and well-behaved when he's not around Loomer. He tries to ask Missy out a few times in the series but always fails due to his hair and clothes. In the finale, he ends up dating her.
Buzz Rodriguez
Buzz Rodriguez is one of Loomer's friends. He almost never speaks; Loomer even states that he has never spoken the entire time they have known each other. He talks for the first time in the episode "The Library and Volunteering,", stating that the reason he had never spoken before was that everything up until that point had been fine, so he felt no need to talk.
Missy Meany
Missy Meany is a pretty, very popular school cheerleader. She turns out to be a nasty, conceited person who cheats at most anything and will stop at nothing to get her way. Starting in Season 3, she has an obsessive crush on Ned. After finding out that Ned will not return her feelings for him, she goes out with Crony in the finale. She also has two very tall bodyguards, who she cheerfully calls her collection team or "Missy Buddies". In "School Clubs" she rips off Ned's guide with a club called the Missy's Declassified School Survival Manual Club, writing terrible ways to survive school.
Coconut Head is a dorky friend of Ned, Moze, and Cookie, and a common bullying-target of Loomer's gang. His real name is never revealed. His nickname is based on his hairdo, which looks like a coconut. He gets chronic nose bleeds, and has been getting them ever since he was three. In multiple episodes it is shown that he is a talented free thrower at basketball. It's revealed that he has an operatic singing voice in the episode "Electives". In the episode "Valentine's Day," he is in love with the Huge Crew.
Martin Qwerly
Martin Qwerly is another geeky friend of Ned, Cookie, and Moze. He is extremely optimistic and is always seen talking, usually insanely fast. People usually cover his mouth during his fast talks or put up a cardboard cutout of themselves next to him and leave. He is the class vice-president. In the episode "Video Projects" he pretends to be a ninja and is caught on video, causing him to become a laughingstock until Ned and Cookie add special effects into the video, making him popular. His name is a pun of the phrase "smart and squirrelly" as seen in the episode "Guide to: Project Partners".
Claire Sawyer is a student at Polk who aspires to be a lawyer. She often introduces herself by saying, "Claire Sawyer, future lawyer." Usually when she introduces herself in this manner to one of the three main characters, they remind her that they have all known her since before kindergarten. She is always seen wearing a business suit. She appears when one of the characters needed consulting or if they needed help with something that seems like a legal issue. Her leitmotif parodies the first few notes of Symphony No. 5 by Ludwig van Beethoven.
Lisa Zemo
Lisa Zemo is a geeky and good-natured friend of Ned, Cookie, and Moze who undergoes a complete makeover in Season 3 of the show. She is allergic to many things, including cats, dogs, trees, nuts, and rap videos that exploit women. Because of her chronic allergies, she is almost always seen carrying a bottle of nasal spray. She had a crush on Cookie, who finds her creepy before her makeover but vies for her attention after it, competing with several boys. She temporarily reverts to her old self in "Spring Fever". She is the class treasurer.
The Huge Crew
The Huge Crew, a girl group of bullies in the school, is led by Doris Trembley, along with Katie and LaKisha. They strongly dislike Billy Loomer and his friends, and they are insanely obsessed with Ned.
Backpack Boy
Backpack Boy is a student who carries an oversized backpack including many various things. He has a crush on Claire Sawyer. His backpack includes various items such as computers, ethernet cables, power supplies, wires, school items, and any other obscure item else one might need while surviving middle school.
Bitsy Johnson
Bitsy Johnson is a mean, popular girl, seen only in Season 1, who cheats to get high grades and academic awards at school, Moze being her main victim, as revealed on the episode "Cheaters and Bullies". She also tries to humiliate Moze by stealing her diary, and in the episode "Notes" she gets Ned in trouble for passing notes. Her character was replaced by Missy. She is best friends with Suzie Crabgrass.
Seth Powers
Seth Powers is a basketball player at Polk. He is shown in many episodes to be dumb and bad at rhyming, and is constantly seen spinning a basketball on his finger. In some earlier episodes, Moze is seen to have romantic interest in him, even going out with him several times. In the episode "Secrets", he reveals to Moze that he cannot read well, possibly due to dyslexia. Moze gets over him in Season 3, but afterwards he starts to show romantic feelings towards her instead.
Coach Joy Dirga
Coach Joy Dirga is a tough and aggressive female coach and gym teacher who is often seen shouting harshly at her students. Despite her aggressive nature and tendency to act like a drill sergeant, she has a caring and encouraging side. In "Your Body", she states that her current height is the same height she was in the seventh grade. She enjoys Star Wars and soap operas.
Mr. Sweeney
Mr. Sweeney is a science teacher at Polk. Many of the students, especially Ned, think he is evil. He is often seen as the show's antagonist. He seems to have a large disliking for Ned due to his lazy nature but obvious intelligence. In the series finale, as an "early graduation present," he helps Ned when Ned is trying to hide from Vice Principal Crubbs. After Crubbs leaves, Mr. Sweeney says to Ned that Ned will be remembered as one of his worst students, but also as one of his favorites. He is always seen wearing a white lab coat.
Spencer
Spencer is a student in the drama club who is obsessed with theatre. He speaks with a projected theatrical voice and dreams of being a Hollywood star. In the episode "School Plays", Spencer and Suzie play the lead roles in Romeo & Juliet, and Spencer makes Ned jealous by saying that the big kiss will win Suzie over leading Ned to destroying the play which Spencer gets injured in the mayhem. In another episode, "Revenge", Backpack Boy gets revenge on Spencer for stealing his crush, Claire Sawyer. He only appears twice because his actor Corbin Bleu was busy filming High School Musical 2.
iTeacher
iTeacher is a teacher at Polk. She "home teaches" by using a computer and chat server to interact with her students and has another student push the computer around when she wants to talk directly to someone in the hallways. She has self-esteem issues in some episodes, and is sometimes angered because she is "stuck in a box!"
Principal Pal
Principal Pal The senile former principal of the school who only appears in the final season. He becomes the new social studies teacher when Miss Knapp retires. He once had a dream to go roller-blading in Africa, which he wanted to do when he quit. It is revealed in "Halloween" that he has no pulse and a plate in his chest that makes it so his heartbeat cannot be heard, two things he used to convince Ned and friends that he was dead to scare them.
Principal Alistar Wright
Principal Alistar Wright is a Social Studies teacher at Polk who favors Moze as one of his best students. He later becomes the principal in Season 3. He is also the school's cross country coach. He has a doctorate degree from Harvard University.
Faymen Phorchin
Faymen Phorchin is Moze's crush and later boyfriend in the third season until the episode "When You Like Someone Who Is Going Out With Someone Else", in which he leaves to play professional soccer in Brazil. His name is a play on the phrase "fame and fortune." When he kisses Moze, Moze feels nothing and says there is no spark, unlike Moze's kiss with Ned. In "Bus and Bad Hair Days" the Spanish teacher talks to Faymen in Spanish and he answers back in Portuguese saying that he misses his home in Brazil. His favorite food is steak, which he likes medium rare.
Vice Principal Harvey Crubbs is the vice principal, an exaggerated spoof of Miami Vice. Crubbs is always keeping an eye on Ned. He is obsessed with flamingos, mini powdered donuts, and sunglasses. He states to Ned in "Career Day" that he didn't want to be a vice-principal as a teenager, but actually wanted to be a vice-cop in Miami. He took the job as vice-principal as a way to help the kids at school stop themselves from getting to bad places. He is one of the show's main antagonists. He has three catchphrases. One is "Crubbs out!", which he says when he leaves. He is also known to tell people "You're fired!," usually said to Gordy, although he never actually means it. A third is when he tells people that he will be watching them "like this," followed by putting his sunglasses on in various ways. In one episode, when vying for the position of principal, he tricks all the people looking to interview for the position and locks them in a room, until Principal Pal knocks him out and puts him in the trap room. Principal Wright becomes principal. In "Lost and Found," he is discovered to steal things from the lost and found and put them in a special room to keep.
Dr. Xavier
Dr. Xavier is the 8th grade math teacher. She is a self-proclaimed "super-genius" who tends to be quite strict and almost maniacal. She is always seen wearing a drab gray smock, and at one point requires all her students to dress the same way. Her students, including Cookie, seem to fear her in the "Math" episode due to her overly harsh attitude, but when Cookie suggests that math class should be more fun, she changes her rigorous ways and becomes friendlier to her students. She has a Russian accent and loves romance novels. She has a crush on Gordy, who she refers to as "handsome cleaning man," and is shown to want to date him despite Gordy not reciprocating. In one episode, she was revealed to have won bronze medals in Greco-Roman Wrestling and Luge, and is shown on a cereal box with a hammer and sickle on it. In "The Bus", she rides a bike to school in order to stay in shape; at the end of the episode, she accepts Mr. Kwest's proposal to go on a date.
Evelyn Kwong
Evelyn Kwong is a studious and smart person who likes competition within her courses. At first, she had a bitter rivalry with Cookie and tended to despise him, but becomes initially interested in him after they accidentally kiss. She soon became madly in love with Cookie and seemed to torment him constantly, both competing against him to be the smartest student at Polk, and obsessively pursuing his affections. Evelyn finally stopped harassing Cookie and started dating Seth in the episode "Tests". She was also part of an organization squad to help Ned get organized in the episode "Getting Organized." In the episode, "When You Like Someone Who's Going Out With Someone Else," she begins going out with Seth Powers. She tends to use intimidation to fulfill her goals.
The Scoop
The Scoop is the school's journalist and photographer. He tends to be quite annoying and assertive, which especially annoys Moze. He speaks with a Jersey accent and often wears a brown suit, a fedora, and carries around a camera. Scoop appears only in two episodes of the first season and one episode of the second season.
Dusty Chopsaw
Dusty Chopsaw is the school woodshop teacher. He has an unnatural obsession with woodworking and sometimes acts like he is "attracted" to the shop tools. He favors Moze as his best student and helps her through confusing times by giving her advice such as finding a talent for Ned's talent show and her feelings for Ned. He could immediately tell that there was something more between Ned and Moze. He was also the very first teacher seen on the show. He was in the Season 1 theme song.
Mr. Combover
Mr. Combover is the choir and music appreciation teacher. He also runs the school plays. He's known for liking the arts and classical music artists like Mozart and Beethoven, as well as having an unusual combover and facial hair that encircles his face, leaving the rest of his head behind it shaved. He is also a High School music teacher in the mornings.
Dr. Lowe
Dr. Lowe is a quirky character that does two jobs at Polk. He is seen as a study hall adviser and sometimes seen as the school's psychiatrist. He also seems to be the school bus driver in the episode "The Late Bus".
Mr. Kwest
Mr. Kwest runs the computer lab, though he knows nothing about computers. He also runs a fantasy war game club and drives the bus. His girlfriend apparently broke up with him in "The Bus" and he was very distraught as a result; at the end of the episode, he asks Dr. Xavier if she liked to go on a date and she accepts.
Rose The Lunch Lady is a lunch lady who can see the future in the beans, peas or corn. Her predictions always come true but not in the expected ways. She can at times be very obnoxious. In "Electives" she taught a cooking class, where she chided the students who thought cooking would be easy and that it actually takes time and effort.
The Weasel
The Weasel – A weasel that runs around the school since the series began. Gordy wants to capture this weasel and has used numerous traps in the series and failed. In one episode, Gordy successfully captures the weasel, but after finding a robot that heads straight towards it, Gordy shows remorse and releases the weasel. In "Elections," the weasel was elected Class President. In the episode "Recycling," the weasel wins the school's recycling contest after stealing the reusable materials collected by everyone else to use for a nest, including Ned's Guide. The weasel and Gordy end up having a liking to each other at the end of the series, especially since, in the series finale, it is shown that the weasel is actually a female when she is shown nursing new weasel babies.
Killer Bees
Killer Bees – A group of three spelling bee addicted bullies, known as King Bee, Queen Bee, and Stinger. They always dress in yellow and black, and tend to quickly spell-out insults at people. Their only appearances were "Spelling Bees" and "Best Friends". They always seemed to have an aversion towards Cookie because he was also good at spelling. Later on in the series, they ask Cookie to be part of their group, but this was only so they could have their math grades changed.
Mr. Gross
Mr. Gross is a teacher with bad hygienic habits, which makes him smell bad. He was seen only two times in the first season.
Mike Grudzielanek
Mike Grudzielanek is a student who is a jock and in the choir who is first seen in season 2. In "Upperclassmen" he and his friends beat up Ned throughout most of the episode for falsely spraying soda in their faces, taking away their pants and stepping on the wolf logo. It is implied that he might play basketball and football, and he is best friends with Seth and Paul. It is also implied that he got left back a year because he is seen with Jock Goldman and when Ned, Moze and Cookie reach the eighth grade, he is still seen in middle school.
Doug Secksay
Doug Secksay is a seemingly popular male student, who always goes surrounded by girls who like him. His face is unseen, since the girls cover him completely. When the girls abandon him for Cookie, he is only seen from the back. He seems to be of Latino origins. His last name is a pun on the word "sexy".
Palmer Noid
Palmer Noid - A pesky redheaded fifth grader who later becomes a student in Season 3. He is commonly known as the "kid who takes pants."
Albert Wormenheimer
Albert Wormenheimer – A geeky, math-loving student with a habit of picking his nose and talking to his "inner voice" in a dramatic manner. He created the popularity list for Polk in Season 3. He was part of an organization squad to help Ned get organized. He taught him how to empty out clutter in his locker and use a calendar. He was in love with a new kid named Bernice, because she also had the same round glasses, enjoyed math and picking her nose, and talked to herself. His nickname is "The Worminator."
Stu
Stu – One of Cookie's and Ned's friends. He is shown to wear glasses, have a bad habit of biting his finger nails, and somewhat be a little geeky like Albert.
Vanessa
Vanessa – A student who was Cookie's girlfriend in Season 2. She doesn't appear in Season 3 because she split up with Cookie and went to high school. Cookie brought Lisa Zemo to a dance along with Vanessa.
Lance Widget
Lance Widget - A heavyset nerdy bully who is also smarter than Ned, Cookie and Moze. He tends to be very loud and overbearing, shouting at people, calling nearly everyone a "moron," and constantly reminding people that his last name is pronounced "wid-jay". He was part of the organization squad to help Ned in the episode "Getting Organized", with his organization specialty being school gear. He also carries around a fanny pack everywhere.
Jock Goldman
Jock Goldman - An upperclassman jock who used Moze to get back with his ex-girlfriend Amy Cassidy. After they broke up again, he begins to like Moze in Season 2. In the episode, "Double-Dating," he asks Moze to a dance. To see if he truly likes her, Ned, Cookie and Gordy put Jock through a lie-detector test. Jock truthfully states he no longer has feelings for Amy Cassidy and likes Moze, prompting Moze to agree to go out with him. However, at the dance, Jock sees Ned accidentally kiss Moze and leaves her so Ned and Moze can be together. In the aforementioned lie-detector test, Jock also reluctantly admitted to Ned, Moze, Cookie and Gordy that he once got the runs after eating bad roast beef.
The Oboe Twins
Stacy and Tracy Oboe – Smart, nerdy twin sisters who both play the oboe. They are both extremely shy; they would never talk to anyone but each other, and were afraid to be apart. In the episode "'Shyness," Ned and Moze tried to help the twins overcome their shyness, though Tracy did so by copying another person almost exactly and putting "tr" before the vowel.
Psycho Jones
Psycho Jones – A menacing student who looks like a psycho. He appeared in "Shyness" and "Nicknames." He was angered when Ned tried to get the nickname Psycho.
Nurse Hunsucker
Nurse Hunsucker – The disgruntled school nurse who grudgingly helps the sick students. She often has a sour attitude. In "Sick Days," her suspicions of Cookie having the flu had her trying to hunt him down and send him home, to no avail; she also prevented Ned from meeting Mat Hoffman after mistaking him for having a high fever.
Timmy Toot-Toot
Timmy Toot-Toot – A student of James K. Polk middle school who is notorious for his dangerously powerful and frequent farts, preceded by him saying "Toot toot!" Despite this embarrassing habit, Timmy takes pride in his "tooting" ability, calling it a "super-power." He said it allows him to do certain things, such as sitting anywhere in the movies. He also became angered and felt that Ned was trying to compete with him when Ned accidentally farted in class in the episode "Embarrassment." In "Tutors," Cookie uses him in a project to power a lawn mower by using his farts after eating beans, but things go wrong and an explosion causes his stench to spread throughout the school, making everyone flee in terror.
Mr. Dren
Mr. Dren – A student Math Teacher in episode "Teachers" and "Math" from Season 1 and 2. At first, he is treated very poorly by the students, besides Moze, and decides to scare the other students into listening to him. His name is Nerd backwards. He is very good friends with Moze.
Nelson Duckworth
Nelson Duckworth is a student at Polk Middle School. He only appeared in "Nicknames". Cookie gave him the nickname "Quack". Later, Cookie gave him the nickname "Mr. Duckworth."
Allan Alby
Allan Alby is a bespectacled and ruddy student at Polk Middle School. He is usually seen in most of Ned's classes. His only spoken line in the series is an excited "Yeah!" when he is asked to use the CPR dummy.
Mr. Adam
Mr. Adam is a familiar face around the school. He is a teacher who occurs frequently throughout the series. He frequently serves as a study hall teacher, although he appears as a substitute teacher on the episode "Substitute Teachers." When the students try to give him long explanations he looks at them as if he doesn't care. He appears to be more laid back, if not the most laid back faculty member at Polk. He is usually always seen along with a big group of other faculty members.
Miss Knapp
Miss Knapp – The elderly social studies teacher who always likes to sleep, as her name implies. Her replacement is Mr. Pal, the school's former principal.
Nigel Hattorff
Nigel Hattorff – The art teacher who speaks with a German accent and has a hairstyle similar to that of Coconut Head. He is based on Andy Warhol.
Mr. Weiner
Mr. Weiner – A substitute teacher who used to be Ned, Moze and Cookie's elementary school substitute. He has saved Ned from the girls' bathroom three times. He tries bringing his little grade school skits with him to Polk to make his students laugh. He is seen only in "Substitute Teachers".
Martha Qwerly
Martha Qwerly An overly talkative student who is Martin's sister. She only appeared in "Tutors," where Ned put a cardboard cutout of himself and leaves when she talks too much. She talks as often and fast as Martin. She also says that there are numerous Qwerlys.
Miss Splitz
Miss Splitz – A school counselor in Polk who spied on Ned when he did not get good grades. She speaks like R. Lee Ermey to Ned. She talks and looks nice to Cookie. She uses different methods for counselling each student, which tends to make her seem like she has a split personality.
Mr. Gibson – A music teacher who appeared in "Music Class," his name is a reference to Gibson guitars. The song "Rock Star" by Everclear was also featured in this episode.
